Understanding Allyship: What's Holding Good Men Back From Becoming Great Allies & Better Leaders?
As an executive coach, consultant, and expert in building success for women in senior leadership, I often find myself navigating a range of reactions from people who follow my work. On the one hand, women often ask why I don’t focus more on changing male behaviors—the "real" issue, as they see it. On the other hand, many men feel they’re unfairly tagged as the problem, which only widens the gap in understanding.
The truth is complicated. Allyship is essential to our success and advancement as humans. This is true not only for women but also for all of us. Unfortunately, being a good ally is complicated. It requires learning key leadership and EQ skills (the easy part) and a whole lot of courage to translate those skills into meaningful action (the real challenge). Today, I want to talk about the roadblocks and barriers men (and other allies) face as they make the transition from good guys to great allies and powerful leaders.
Bridging the Gap: From Knowing to Understanding
There's a big difference between knowing about gender disparities and truly understanding them.
Consider the well-known issues: the pay gap (working mothers make $0.75 for every dollar working fathers earn), scarce representation of women in senior leadership (only 26% of C-suite leaders are women), and the hurdles faced by female entrepreneurs in securing funding (only about 2% of venture capital funding goes to women-led startups). This isn’t just data, these are real challenges that affect your teams daily.
Unfortunately, knowing the data isn’t the same thing as understanding the problem. Without true awareness and ownership of the problem, most people - even good men - are unlikely to step into discomfort and challenge the status quo.
My own journey of deeper only began after I started having heartfelt conversations with women about their personal experiences and frustrations. This newfound awareness transformed my perspective, making the unseen biases unmistakable and undeniable, compelling me to advocate for change.
Similarly, in the work I do with male allies, our first step is making the issue personal - by doing this, we can bridge the gaps between knowledge and understanding and between empathy and action.
Resistance To Labels: No One Wants To Be the Bad Guy
One major reason men shy away from discussions on gender equality is the fear of being branded the problem. No one likes to be labeled the bad guy, especially not in narratives that paint men as villains. Such depictions are not only divisive but also misrepresent the majority of men who support gender equality but feel alienated by the accusatory narrative.
When good men feel lumped in with the Harvey Weinsteins and Bill Cosbys of the world, they naturally resist thinking they could be part of the problem. They will shy away from the conversations that could help them understand (and resolve) the dozens of small ways they potentially and unconsciously contribute to an unfair system.
As long as gender equality is played out as 'us vs. them' in which the 'them' is a vile, repressive, and domineering individual, men will distance themselves from the issue and avoid discussing it. This is why allyship initiatives and advocacy are so important; suddenly, good men can see that they are not simply part of the problem; they are part of the solution.
Fear of Losing Out: The Musical Chair Theory
There are only so many C-level roles, only so many high-paying jobs, and only so many people who can be brought onto a once-in-a-lifetime project. Whether they want to admit it or not, elevating women and giving them more access to opportunities feels like a threat to men. Often, that threat is not conscious but subconsciously. We all know we’re playing a game of musical chairs, and not everyone can get a seat at the table.
There is a very real and logical fear of losing out on opportunities if women gain more. Pretending this reality doesn’t exist, pretending we as humans are above this calculation, isn’t helpful. To address and overcome this zero-sum mindset, I often like to remind men of the vast array of data that points to the broader benefits of gender inclusivity, which, according to research, can enhance organizational success and societal welfare.
The bottom: If women are given an equal opportunity to access the roles, promotions, industries, and salaries that they deserve, men will benefit. Married heterosexual men, for example, will be able to retire sooner as their household income grows, fathers will have more bonding time with their children, male executives won’t experience the brunt of work-related travel, and as companies grow and thrive under an expanded female leadership, more jobs, opportunities, and revenue will be created.
Overcoming Fear: Allyship Is an Act of Courage
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room—fear. Men often hesitate to fully embrace allyship because they're worried about making mistakes, facing backlash, or being marginalized by other men. These fears are valid and significant barriers to active support for gender equality, and they need to be addressed with sensitivity and expertise.
It is not enough to teach men strategies to show up as better allies. They deserve a measure of empathy and reassurance. Allyship is an act of courage; there are real risks and repercussions to challenging the system, trying something new, and making yourself vulnerable. As a psychologist and a coach, I will say that this may be the biggest hurdle good men need to overcome to become great allies and better leaders. Fortunately, this is something that can actively and easily be explored and addressed with the right guidance.
Encouraging Engagement & Leadership Development
It is essential for men to move beyond passive support to active advocacy in gender equality initiatives. This involves both personal and professional growth, and understanding the nuances of mentorship, sponsorship, and leadership development in diverse and inclusive settings.
Education and open dialogue can mitigate fears and build confidence in promoting allyship. Workshops and leadership development programs that focus on allyship can equip men with the necessary tools and emotional fortitude to become effective allies.
For true progress in gender equality, men and women need to engage in honest discussions about the challenges and resistance to change. By addressing these issues together, we can dismantle outdated structures and pave the way for a more inclusive and equitable environment.
This approach not only supports women in leadership but also enriches the professional landscape for all, emphasizing that when women thrive, the ripple effects benefit everyone. Let us commit to a balanced approach that fosters engagement and cultivates allyship across genders, driving meaningful change in leadership development and beyond.
Want proven and pragmatic solutions to help your leaders become great allies?
Noteworthy has a suite of solutions, including an allyship training program and a next-level mentorship/sponsorship workshop, designed specifically to level up your leaders and their impact. Contact us today to learn more and discuss what this looks like for your leaders